Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
You Might Also Like
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
A fake ID that makes you younger
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.