Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
You Might Also Like
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
it must be school picture day
*checks Timeline*…
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?