me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
son: she’s too heavy
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
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What’s the downside of house arrest?
*A van falls into a river*
(Duration: 148 minutes)
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?
Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California.
Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too?
Me: and Saturn.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton