@VerbsRProudest

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

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@GrantTanaka

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

@Shen_the_Bird

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

@TimBarnes451

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

@coldlippdheresy

Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California.
Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too?
Me: and Saturn.

@FredTaming

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton