Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
You Might Also Like
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Omg 🤣
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating