Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
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Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday