Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
You Might Also Like
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
based al yankovic
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know