Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
You Might Also Like
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
OH. COME. ON.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
The glockness monster
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape