Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
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Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳