Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
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You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I was up all night reading about insomnia
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I’m good, thanks.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.