Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
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Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes