Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.