Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

#IWishIHadNever noticed

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order