Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
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Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
your honor my client chooses dare
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles