Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

(Jupiter –

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.