Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

they should invent a rest for the wicked

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

My typo game is string.

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds