Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
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My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.