@D2BMcG

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

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@FeelingEuphoric

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

@Scottcrates

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

@chrischromak

trump: u gave hillary 3 scoops of ice cream & i only got 2
icecream guy: u ate the first scoop already
trump: ive never eaten ice cream ever

@junejuly12

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

@sgrstk

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

@JediGigi

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

@anerdonfire2

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

@HelloJessicaFox

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

@Gupton68

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you