@D2BMcG

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

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@jonnysun

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

@JediGigi

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

@Gupton68

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

@MattMcElaney

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

@AndyShulk

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

@InternetHippo

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

@holy_schnitt

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

@mrkoodge

*at an AA meeting*

“Hi, I’m Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol.”

*gets aggressively escorted out*

@RunOldMan

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

@HenpeckedHal

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood