Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

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“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon


Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.


trump: u gave hillary 3 scoops of ice cream & i only got 2
icecream guy: u ate the first scoop already
trump: ive never eaten ice cream ever


At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.


Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.


I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.


In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.


If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies


Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you