Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

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TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying


Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.


Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*


10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.


Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?


BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.


I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???


*at an AA meeting*

“Hi, I’m Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol.”

*gets aggressively escorted out*


You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.


doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood