Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

I laughed at this way too hard.

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”