Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle