Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Woke up against my better judgement again

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.