Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”