Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.