“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
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My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch