YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
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SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance