@juneohara65

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

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@ArfMeasures

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

@koalaslament

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

@markleggett

If vampires like the taste of blood so much they should floss.

@Bearslietoo

Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.

@psychogoddess

How is it when my son has homework,I have to be involved??

Dude,I already did my time.

@_SetTheHook_

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

@QwertyJones3

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

@Underchilde

*Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese*

*Fails to see holes in plan*