God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
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It’s called mankind because womanmean just sounded too obvious.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
If vampires like the taste of blood so much they should floss.
Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.
How is it when my son has homework,I have to be involved??
Dude,I already did my time.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
“Thanks I feel better.”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
*Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese*
*Fails to see holes in plan*