The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
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Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Every time you sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” I’m reminded how much I disapprove of My son’s friends.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
What do we want? CLICKBAIT
When do we want it? The answer will shock you.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry