yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
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[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.