yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
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Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.