yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
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I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
security at the airport getting more straightforward
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away