yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
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Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!