yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
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growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you