Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

Me when my alarm goes off

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

True story 🤣

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.