Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

I can’t stop watching this.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.