Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives