Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

Siri: Retweet me.

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

The USS B port

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.