Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
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[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
was Jim off killing horses or…
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY