Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

repaired

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?