“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
You Might Also Like
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
True statement👍😏😁
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.