“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
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Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
when revenge coincides with naptime
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that