Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
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*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
🤯🤯🤯
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something