Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
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I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
They grow up so quick
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
🤣🤣
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.