Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

This checks out

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.