Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
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Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
#polloftheday
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.