Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
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Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”