Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
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Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.