Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

79.

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Too easy.

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.