Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
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Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.