Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
You Might Also Like
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
what’s more important?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
*3.5 thank you very much.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.