Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.