Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
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this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Seems legit
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*