Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
You Might Also Like
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
How high do the levels go?
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Seems legit.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano