Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
You Might Also Like
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
