Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

#polloftheday

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A