Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else