Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
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My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
guys I’m going home
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”