Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
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I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
