Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities