Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did