Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

I like long walks away from everyone

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor