Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

This is always good for a laugh.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

“Are you submissive? 😏”

No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”