yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
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My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Spider-cat: No One Home
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.