Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
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Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.