Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
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Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I wish I could veto my bills.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?