Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
You Might Also Like
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
the duality of man
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.