Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
You Might Also Like
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
when someone compliments me
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
🤣😂🤣
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes