Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
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My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what