Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

Deer are just ballerina dogs

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

lol

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

this FaceApp is creepy af

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

The options really are this bad