Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

How can I say no to this ?

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms