Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
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There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?