Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
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Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet