Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer