Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
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I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
This probably isn’t good
normalize having existential bread
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/