Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

*weighs self after shaving

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym

cashier: you’re at a bakery miss