Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect