“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
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guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
My circle of trust is a meatball
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.